My Clouded Life

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I realized something the other day… The only reason I ever start feeling sorry for myself is because I start thinking about myself in the first place. That seems like an elementary thought. A duh moment for most of you. But to me it was an eye-opener.

When someone says something mean, I internalize it and let it hurt me instead of turning to Christ and praying for that person. When I’m having a bad day, I tend to dwell on those emotions, feed the sadness, instead of thinking about all the blessings God has so graciously given me. I have a tendency to make everything about me.

When everything is about Christ.

When did my life become all about me?

When did my happiness become more important than glorifying Christ?

Instead of focusing upward on the glory of Christ or outward in serving others, I most often turn inward. I pity myself.

I’ve often been told that the cure for a low self-esteem is to find things to love about yourself. Learn to accept yourself. Focus on your strengths, the things that make you happy. In reality, the cure for low self-esteem is to stop thinking about yourself.

We don’t tend to associate low self-esteem with pride. We usually see it as the complete opposite. But, as Edward Welch says, “Low self-esteem usually means that I think too highly of myself. I’m too self-involved. I feel I deserve better than what I have. The reason I feel bad about myself is that I aspire to something more. I want just a few minutes of greatness. I am a peasant who wants to be king.”

I went on a walk the other night and it was cloudy. The stars were having trouble peeking their way through the thick canopy. I feel like that sometimes. Like I could be shining so brightly for Christ but I’m letting fears and worries, doubts and frustrations cloud my life. I’m letting myself get in the way of His glory.

I’m a horribly proud person. I have begun to live like the world revolves around me. I need to humble myself before God. Because the broken, cracked vessels are the ones that let the light of Christ shine through.

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